Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
