I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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