the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
