____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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