You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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