In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
