true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
