And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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