Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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