All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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