my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
