gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
