I have demons in me.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
