Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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