So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
