if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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