it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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