Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
