Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
