my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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