listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
