I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
