I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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