hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
