I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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