First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
