Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
