so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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