Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
