I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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