pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
