Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
