On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
