will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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