she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
