if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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