you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
