Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
