My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
