I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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