Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
