mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
