The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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