This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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