I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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