Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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