just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
