Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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