Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
