In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
