fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
