Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
