He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
