theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I pour the whiskey from now on
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
